Learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortable…..

We can change piece by piece……….

As I am letting go of how I thought I had to be, what I was supposed to be doing. I now recognise I have completed what is necessary on certain paths, worked long enough at something that I have begun to find I want a new path, a new way of living. This is beginning to be formed, to find shape, although I have no idea of how long it will take or what it’s supposed to look like. I am comfortable enough to know that I am ok to ride it out and see what forms. 

I want to be living in a way that is different, in ways that I can’t even imagine, in ways that may not make sense to the old me. I have different needs now than I did a few years back. Different ways of viewing and experiencing the world. I want to show up in a different way in work, allowing my own unique way to meet the world in fullness. 

I write about this often, my own journey is the most important learning I have ever received. I have sat in many lectures on life and how we can explore working out the correct formulation to the ‘perfect left”. I’ve made experiments and failed at them, not producing the right conditions or results I imagined. So do I now; write about it to help others? Or just to make sense of it myself? Or perhaps both? I’m not quite sure I know for definite. 

Knowing who you are and being comfortable in that space doesn’t always come easy or naturally for many of us. For few they may have a stronger foundation or a deeper sense of being confident, but for the majority of us we need to learn how to love ourselves enough to accept ourselves. 

We are conditioned from an early age to see our flaws as failings, to compare our abilities and achievements against other people’s. We have messages shown to us from all angles, wanting us to attach to someone else's sense of worth. We are led to believe that being kind and caring is being too soft, that if you are in touch with your emotions that you are over sensitive. That thoughtfulness is overridden by selfishness. 

We aren’t encouraged to give ourselves time and space for real joy, for activities that we find pleasure in doing for no reason other than just for enjoyment. We are in trouble if we have our heads in the clouds. Instead of being seen as creative beings spending time in our own world without distraction and obligations, we are labelled as being lazy and unproductive. Whilst for us we are seeking inspiration and guidance from a space within that holds richness and beauty for us to draw from and share with the world. 

When I was a teenager I desperately fought with the opposing notions of conforming and rebelling to what I thought was expected or correct. I was afraid not to be liked, not to fit in or not to be included, that I would go against what I felt was right, or what I felt was more enjoyable or interesting and go along with the crowd. I would hide my interests from others, I wouldn’t share or discuss that I found astrology and the moon so very exciting. I would laugh along when people made fun of people with interests that were seen as unusual, hippy or witchy. Whilst deep down I would yearn to talk about the stars and nature. I found comfort when I was alone in my bedroom with my head in a book. I rebelled against my parents, always finding the point of going just far enough, but still causing headaches and upsets with some of my choices. 

I have so much respect and gratitude for my teenage self. How she coped in a world that most of the time felt confusing and made her think so little of herself. Always placing herself under pressure to be something different. I spent hours in my room, anxious about something or other, things that really didn’t even matter. Had fears that one day I’d be alone and have no one to share things with. Even with a good group of friends, I would feel different and somehow outside of everything. 

Looking back I know now that this was my own interpretation of myself and life, that I had a belief running from “not being enough” that had shadowed most of my adolescence. It formed my decisions, influenced by behaviours. I was forcing myself to fit into some sort of magical shape that I believed would make it all better, myself included. 

My younger self became braver at times, she did speak up, she would speak about what she enjoyed and got excited about. She felt her voice becoming stronger. A small piece of her finding her fighting spirit. This piece always knew that things were ok, that all would be well. This piece of her trusted herself to show up. This piece was small, often hiding away but she was there. 

It’s that little piece that has been my guiding light over the last 30 years, the piece that kept me going through some really dark times. The piece that screamed “enough is enough” the day I decided to walk out of my marriage with two bottles of champagne and never went back. The piece that was with me when I sat next to my Dad when he took his last breath. 

She shines brighter than ever now. As she has grown over the years she has found the space to also help other pieces of myself  to feel confident and comfortable. She stood up and asked for what she needed. 

I love that piece of me, I’m grateful she persuaded me to keep going, kept nudging me along when I wanted to stop. Never allowing me to settle for “Good Enough” or for not letting me give up when the healing got fucking messy and hard. She is now conforming to her own expectations, keeping to her own high standards. She is creating her own way in the world. Knowing what others do, how they choose to live is not her story or concern. She holds space for those close to her and for many who choose to work with her, but she doesn’t need the same sense of validation from the external world as she once did.

She is incredible and I have so much more to learn from her, I’m excited to see what she will do next. Where she will take this new journey to live a different way. I’m sure she has some ideas, some hidden dreams that we buried a long time ok, that she now feels confident to share. I’m trusting her to keep on nudging me, pushing me with a mixture of gentleness and force. 

We may often believe we can’t change; how we feel, what we do, the choices we make. But that is just the piece of you that feels afraid, doubtful and hurt. The piece, like many pieces that were shown or told that they couldn’t do something, wasn’t enough to deserve or haven’t worked hard enough to receive. If we spend more of our time listening to this piece’s anxiety and fears, we do get stuck, overwhelmed and unable to change. But you will have that piece that is waiting to become a bigger piece of the puzzle, to step up and show you the way. You can find it by slowing down and listening, spending time in reflection and stillness. Meditate and journal, get into nature and listen to her whispers arrive in the wind. 

What piece of you is showing up for you? Give her/him your gratitude , let them know you want to hear them and encourage them to continue to push and nudge you in the right way for your own growth.

Sending you all my love and as always please reach out and let me know what you think, let's start a conversation. 

J xx